Chanukah Humor

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

"Oh my God," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

No Joke Collection is Complete without a Deli Story

During the first day of Chanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were conversing entirely in Yiddish.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish, asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, “Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.”

No comment needed—what could you say, anyway?

Chanukah Gifts

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time I visited her, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

The Miracle of the Oil—Well, Gas, Anyway

Rose is a very caring woman who spends a lot of her spare time visiting and helping sick members of her shul. Her car is also well known in the community because it’s decorated all over with Jewish decals and bumper stickers showing the Jewish charities she helps. One day, as she is driving to one of the nursing homes she regularly visits, her car runs out of gas and splutters to a stop.

"Oy veh," she says to herself, "and just when I’m running late."

Then she notices a gas station at the end of the block, so she walks to the station to get help.

"Hi," Rose says to the attendant, "I’ve run out of gas and I’m hoping you can lend me your gas can. I’ll fill it and return it as quickly as possible."

The attendant replies, "I’m sorry, lady, but I’ve lent out my one and only can not more than five minutes ago. I’m expecting it back in about half an hour, so if you want, you can wait here for it."

"Oh—I can't wait; I'm behind schedule," Rose said. "Let me think of something."

She goes back to her car to find something that she could use to fill with gas. Then, what mazel, she notices the bedpan she always keeps handy in case of patient need. So she takes the bedpan back to the gas station, fills it and carries it back to her car.

Two men are passing by and notice that she's filling her gas tank from the bedpan. One turns to the other and says, "If that car starts, I'm turning Jewish."

A Little Talmud

The Talmud explains Jewish law in totally unexpected ways: You've seen how the Rabbis of the Talmud explained the reason for lighting the Chanukah lights. Here's how one rabbi explained talmudic reasoning.

Abe went to see his rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I would be grateful if you could explain the Talmud to me."

"Very well, Abe," said the rabbi, "First, I need to ask you a simple question. If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

"The dirty one," replied Abe immediately.

"No, Abe. They look at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks he is dirty and washes. Now another question: If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

Abe smiled. "You just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty."

"No, Abe," said the Rabbi, "they each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn't have to wash and the dirty man washes himself. Now one final question: If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"

This time Abe frowned. "I don't know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of view."

"No, Abe," said the rabbi. "If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash."

Abe was now thoroughly confused. "Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?"

"No, Abe, I would never joke with you. This is Talmud."

Overcoming Religious Persecution

The Maccabees' battle with the Syrian Greeks was by no means the last of the Jews' woes over religious persecution. This story is told about a disputation in medieval Italy between the Pope and an old rabbi.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate, a disputation, with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave. The Jewish community met and picked a wise, aged rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian or Latin, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the rabbi sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked straight at him and raised one finger.

Then the Pope waved his finger around his head, and the rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

Next, the Pope then brought out a communion wafer and signaled to a bishop, who brought him a chalice of wine. The rabbi reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope turned white, stood up, and declared that he was beaten, that the rabbi was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened, why the Church had lost.

The Pope told them, "First I held up three fingers to show that I represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then I waved my finger around my head to tell him that God was universal, that He was all around us. The Jew responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. So, I showed him the wine and wafer to prove that God absolves us of all our sins. But the rabbi produced an apple to remind me of our original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were celebrating and gathered around the rabbi.

"What happened?" they wanted to know.

"Well," said the rabbi, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.'"

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."