There are four types of children who ask questions on Pesach: the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
What does the wise one ask? I don’t know; I couldn’t understand him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
What does the bad one ask? He says, “What is this holiday to you?” Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half for working on Pesach.
What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, “What is this?” You will say to him, “This is dinner.”
As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him up and say, “Next year, remember to come to the table!”
Now these are the names of the children of Israel who came into Egypt: Who, What, I Don’t Know, Tomorrow, Today, Why, Because, and I Don’t Give a Darn. And the Lord noticed that this was the Bible and not an Abbot and Costello routine and changed their names to Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. And this was fine for the Lord, though “Issachar’s on first?”— “No, Naphtali’s on first; Issachar’s on second”; “Zebulun?”—“Third base,” did not make any sense unto Abbot and Costello. But then that was their problem.
...And lo, the Israelites did multiply exponentially (which was amazing, considering that all they had was the abacus). And behold, they did become ever mighty and numerous and filled the land and the land was teeming with them and in fact double-teeming, and, well, that there were really a whole lot of them is the concept we’re trying to get across here.
And a new king arose in Egypt who knew not of the noble acts of Joseph for he had read neither the history books nor the Bible and did believe that the rumors he heard of Joseph were just so much revisionist camel dung. But Pharaoh did see that the Jews were waxing ridiculously large in number and did say to his cabinet, “See, they shall become mightier than we and ally with our enemies and give us the proverbial heave-ho from our land.” And his ministers did look favorably upon Pharaoh’s knowledge of Proverbs and did agree with him. And one of Pharaoh’s lackeys did venture, “Let us deal craftily with them and enslave them under the pretext of an economic stimulus plan.” Said Pharaoh, “I’ll tell you what needs to be done; I’m the decider,” and after further consideration, “Wonderful idea. Glad I thought of it. Make it so.”
And the Israelites were forced to move great blocks of stone around until they were in the right places (thus solving a giant version of the first Rubik’s puzzle), and so built great pyramids. And did they wail one unto the other, “Oy!” But the Children of Israel did continue to multiply and Pharaoh did become so alarmed and feared that when they had ceased to multiply they would also divide—and conquer. And so Pharaoh did add to their troubles and did issue a royal decree that all male babies be thrown into the Nile River. And so the tabloids did declare that this was because the king’s magicians had told him that the savior of the People of Israel would be a boy baby born at a certain time (but that’s a different time, different location, and different religion).
But there was a woman among the Israelites who did discover a loophole in Pharaoh’s decree, for verily it did not forbid the use of any flotation device. And so she did place her son in a basket of reeds and did place it upon the Nile. And the baby’s sister did keep watch upon him from afar. And the baby did murmur to himself as he floated: “Lo, lo, lo, my boat; gently down the stream. Verily, verily, verily, verily...” And the daughter of Pharaoh, who was bathing in the river, did hearken to the infant’s murmuring and knew that it was a Hebrew child, for no Egyptian would ever venture such an atrocious pun. And she did draw the basket out of the water and did adopt the baby as her own. She did call his name “Moses,” saying, “For I drew him out of the water and, er, well, it’s a better name than ‘basket.’”
And when Moses was grown he did go out among the other Israelites and did see their troubles. And he did notice an Egyptian beating an Israelite and was mightily ticked off. And after looking about to be sure that there was no surveillance camera, he did slay the Egyptian and hide him in the sand. And lo, when he went out the next day, two Israelites strove together like unto Holyfield and Bowe, and Moses did rebuke the one who was smiting his fellow, saying, “Why dost thou smite thy fellow?” And the Israelite did reply, “My, my, aren’t we feeling superior today, Mr. Let-me-just-go-over-and-knock-off-that-Egyptian?” And did Moses quoth, “Uh oh,” for lo, his deed was known and was furthermore likely to appear in Hard Copy that evening. And Moses did fear for his hide and did flee Egypt for the neighboring country, Midian, and did end up married with two kids, tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro.
And it came to pass that the Lord heard the cries of the Children of Israel and did remember the covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (but that’s in a different book). And the Lord did appear to Moses one day in the wilderness in a burning bush and did speak from its midst, saying, “I am the Lord, thy God.” And Moses spake, saying “What?” And the Lord spake, saying, “No, What’s on second. I am the Lord, thy God.” And Moses spake, saying, “Oh, my God.” And God spake, saying, “Thou catchest on fast.” And God did say further, “I am the God of thy father, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and I am come down to deliver the Jews out of the hand of the Egyptians and unto a land flowing with milk and honey.” And Moses said, “Gross,” for stepping into milk and honey wearing only sandals is not a pleasant feeling unto the feet.
And God did speak, saying, “I have seen the sufferings of my People in Egypt and lo, it is payback time. Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt-land. Tell old Pharaoh to let my People go.” And Moses did reply, “Who, me? But I’m, uh, that is, I don’t, uh, I’m not really that great at, uh, y’know, public speaking, see...” And the Lord said, “Go. Thy brother Aaron (remember him?) shall speak in thy stead.” And the Lord did give Moses miracles and wonders to show in Egypt, such as how to win at three-card monte.
And Moses did go and speak unto Pharaoh, saying, “Thus saith the Lord: Let my People go, that they may worship me.” And Pharaoh quoth, “Okay, fine, go ahead, take them... NOT!” And Moses did perform there the miracles that God had shown him. But lo, Pharaoh was not impressed, for his own magicians could win at three-card monte (though he himself could not). And Pharaoh didst say, “Get this joker out of here,” and did order that the Israelites’ toil be made harder.
And the Lord did command Moses to demand once again that Pharaoh free the Israelites to worship their God in the interests of religious tolerance and multiculturalism. And Moses and Aaron did return to the palace and there did again perform a miracle before Pharaoh, throwing down a staff and turning it into a snake. And Pharaoh commanded his magicians to do the same, whereupon Moses’ snake did swallow up all of the other snakes, burp, and turn back into a staff. But Pharaoh remained unimpressed, and was by now verily irked, for lo, not only had Moses and Aaron proved stronger than his magicians; he would also have to pay for a bunch of new staves.
And lo, now the Lord really did get cooking. And it came to pass that the next morning, Pharaoh was walking on the banks of the Nile. And Moses bid Aaron stretch his staff over the water (for lo, he had made him his chief of the staff) and behold, the water was turned to blood and all the fish did expire—not unlike those of Boston Harbor. And lo, all the water in all the land of Egypt was turned to blood, the water in the streams and in the wells and even in the Evian bottles, save only the water in the places of the Israelites, which remained fresh. And the Egyptians did quoth, “Eeeeeeuwwwww, yuck!”
And Pharaoh’s heart was hardened for he was a moron, and God caused frogs to overrun the land and to get down the shorts of all the land of Egypt and Pharaoh’s magicians did in like manner and, with their secret arts did bring up yet more frogs (which proves that being a magician in Pharaoh’s court did not require much in the brains department). And Pharaoh did entreat Moses and Aaron to remove the plague of frogs and did promise to let the people go. But when they had removed the frogs—who, in the manner of their kind, did croak—Pharaoh’s heart was hardened once again.
And God brought lice upon the land of Egypt and Pharaoh’s magicians tried to bring forth lice with their own arts but could not. And the magicians did say unto Pharaoh regarding this plague of lice, “This is the finger of God!” And verily was Pharaoh angered, for he did not appreciate being given the finger, and his heart remained hard.
And this went on for some time. And wild beasts and animal sickness and boils and locusts and hail were all harsh unto the Egyptians, but Pharaoh still did not take heed as he was a real blockhead. But all these plagues plagued not the Jews for... they were the Jews.
And the Lord did command Moses to take some dust and throw it into the air, which brought darkness unto the land, a darkness so dark that man could not see his fellow man, even indoors, and there was much bumping into one another until even this game was called on account of darkness. And the darkness was black, even blacker than the inside of a coal mine at night (but the Egyptians were ignorant of this, having no coal mines).
And lo, Pharaoh did blow his top completely after the plague of darkness and did threaten to kill Moses and Aaron if they ever returned to his palace. And then the Lord did speak to Moses, saying, “Tell the People to take a lamb, one to each family, on this day, that they shall sacrifice it, smear the blood on their doors, and then eat of its meat until the morning. On that night I shall slay the firstborn of all the Egyptians, but the houses of the Israelites, whose doors are marked with blood, shall I pass over.” And Moses did quoth, “Hey, what a great name for a holiday!” And saith the Lord, “What, ‘Passover’?” And Moses did respond, “Uh, actually I was thinking of ‘Bloody Door Day,’ but ‘Passover’ does have such a nice ring to it.” And saith the Lord, “Make it so.”
And the Israelites did all that Moses bid them. And this is why we celebrate the Passover tonight, the feast of freedom, and why every Jewish holiday subsequently invented has food as its theme: “They oppressed us, God came to our rescue, we beat them; let’s eat.” So now, let’s eat.
—Lights in Action, the Web
A man, passing a tenement, noticed a boy on the steps apparently praying quite loudly to God. Curious, he stopped and asked the boy why he was praying.
“I’m praying because I need a miracle from God. He’s done miracles before—leading the Hebrews out of Egypt and crossing the sea.”
“The Red Sea was only about ten inches deep where the Hebrews left Egypt, so there was no miracle at all,” said the man.
He started to walk on, but stopped when he noticed that the boy had started praying again.
“What are you praying for now?” he said, “I told you that crossing the sea was no miracle.”
The boy replied, “I know that God performs miracles, since it’s miraculous that he was able to drown a whole army of Egyptians in only ten inches of water!”
A father was driving his eight-year-old child home from religious school. “What did you learn about today?”
“The teacher told us about the Israelites’ escape from Egypt. When they came to the Sea of Reeds they built pontoons and drove across the water. As soon as the Egyptians and their tanks got onto the pontoons, the Israelites sent in their air force and bombed them.”
The father looked with surprise at his child. “Is that really what the teacher told you?”
“No,” answered the child, “but if I told you what the teacher told us, you wouldn’t believe it either!”
Just before the seder, the Jewish burgher stopped in the local tavern and overheard a story about how a king tried to teach his two sons to learn to obtain wisdom. The king told his sons that the succession would be determined by a race and the kingdom would be inherited by the son whose horse lost the race. Bemused, the sons figured that such a race, once begun, would never finish, since each racer would assure that he would not be the first to finish.
Time passed and it became clear that the king would not live much longer but the sons had not yet established who the successor would be. Since they hadn't come up with a solution to their dilemma, they went to the wisest man in the kingdom and asked his advice. The wise man pointed out that the king had said "the son whose horse lost" would win the crown, so clearly if the sons traded their horses for the race, then the the son who finished the race first would win the kingdom.
On his way home the burgher thought about how he could apply this lesson to his own problem. His three sons fought mightily among themselves over stealing the afikomen and this always disrupted the seder. Now he had an idea! When he arrived home, he secretly told each son that he would give a reward to the son who would tell him who had taken the afikomen, and this reward would be far greater than the reward for its return.
Since each boy was more anxious to receive the greater reward, they all watched each other with such devotion that no one stole the afikomen, and there was no resulting tumult. And the wise burgher did not need to give any reward!
Walking in an airport while returning to Texas after Barack Obama’s inauguration, former president George Bush encountered a man with a beard and long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. Bush went up to the man and said, “Y’know, you look just like Moses, the prophet in the Bible?” The man didn’t answer; he just kept staring ahead. Again Bush said, “You look just like Moses!”
The man just kept looking away, not acknowledging the former president. Bush turned to the Secret Service agent near him and said, “Doesn’t this man look like Moses to you?” The Secret Service agent agreed. “Well,” said Bush, “every time I try to speak to him, he turns away and refuses to speak.”
The Secret Service agent walked over to the white-robed man and whispered to him, “You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?” The man leaned over and whispered back, “Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and I’m not making that mistake again.”
A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to charoses of the liver.
At our Seder, we served whole wheat and bran matzoh fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is “Let My People Go.”
God said to Moses, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’m going to part the Red Sea and you’ll all be able to go through on dry land.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“You have to write the Environmental Impact Statement.”
What kind of cheese should I eat on Pesach?
Matzo-rella
Who was the best businesswoman in the Bible?
Pharaoh’s daughter: she pulled a prophet out of the water.
Best line I ever heard in a Seder was from my sister, who interrupted a reading of the Haggadah a few years ago, saying:
“We eat matzoh, because when our ancestors left Egypt they did not have enough time to let the bread rise...although apparently they had enough time to beat egg whites...”
Dear Diary:
I decided to make and freeze my briskets for Passover. There was only one left in the case at Costco, and I was very disappointed. The butcher assured me there was a large delivery due the next day.
As I turned to leave, an older gentleman was returning a brisket to the case. He said his wife had already bought one. I thanked him profusely as I grabbed it and the other one.
When I wished him a happy Passover, he looked at me strangely. After I explained my cooking plans, he asked “the Lord” to bless me. I wished his family a happy holiday season.
The man and his wife were in the checkout line ahead of me. He told me to go first, since I had only the two packages of beef. I glanced into their cart as I passed and it was loaded with lox, cream cheese, Hebrew National salami and hot dogs.
I said, “Are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“No, ma’am,” he said. “New Yorkers.”
—Salie Bloom, "Metropolitan Diary," New York Times, April 26, 2009.
A Texas Baptist came to New York for the first time, having never tasted Jewish food. On the recommendation of a friend, he went to the Lower East Side to eat at a real Jewish deli.
He looked at a menu, but everything on it was strange and new and he simply didn’t know what to order. When the waiter came, he pointed to a dish on another table and asked what it was.
“That’s matzoh-ball soup.”
“OK, I’ll have some-a that.”
He got his dish, and ate it with relish. When the waiter came by, he said,
“My, that sure was truly delicious. I never had anythin’ like it before. Tell me, do y’all serve any other parts of the matzoh?”
