The first Jewish president of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for Purim. Their conversation goes something like this:
"Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want you to celebrate it with us at the White House."
"Oh, I don't know. I'll have to get to the airport and..."
"Mom! I'm the president of the United States! I'll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!"
"OK, but when I get to the airport, I'll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oy, it will be so difficult for me."
"Mom, don't worry about standing on lines or any of that. I'm the most powerful person in the world. I'm the president. I'll send Air Force One for you!!"
"Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I'll have to find a cab and..."
"Momma, please! I'll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!"
"Well ... but where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room..."
"Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim?"
"Ok, I'll be there."
Two seconds later, she calls her friend:
"Hello, Sadie? Guess what? I'm spending Purim at my son's house!"
"Oh, the doctor?"
"No, the other one."
These announcements were found in synagogue newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody—it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a folding chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the rabbi, bringing his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The rabbi, recognizing the benefactor, was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried to do this over time—weight lifters, longshoremen, wrestlers, etc.—but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and dressed in a polyester suit came in and said in a high, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "How did you do that? You lift weights, or what?" The man replied, "I'm a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal."
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5759 4696 1063 |
Year according to Jewish calendar (you can tell how old this one is) Year according to Chinese calendar Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food |
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
"Is anything all right?"
Q - What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A - Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
"Why are you so weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
It's not widely known, but ancient Persia was the origin of eastern mysticism, and it's thought that Mordecai (of the Book of Esther fame) was the person responsible for bringing these beliefs into the Jewish mainstream. After Mordecai learned of the plot against King Ahasuerus and fingered the would-be assassins, he became very afraid for the safety of Queen Esther so he began praying for her, fasting five days a week, going barefoot, and wearing sack-cloth. When he did eat, he only ate grains and certain vegetables. Since Susa (Shushan) was located in the foothills of the mountains, the ground was fairly rocky so Mordecai developed an impressive set of calluses on his feet. His constant fasting soon made him quite frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. So Mordecai had become... (wow, this is so awful that it's great) ...a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Goldstein had been going to the same deli for ten years. Every day he started with the same thing, kreplach soup. One Purim, when he came in, the waiter immediately brought the soup over to his table, saying, "It's Purim, so your soup is perfect for the day!"
As the waiter started to walk away, Goldstein said, "Wait, I want you to taste the soup."
"What's the matter? Every day you take the same kreplach soup."
"I want you to taste the soup," Goldstein repeated.
"You don't want the kreplach soup? I'll bring you something else."
"I just want you to taste the soup."
"Okay, okay, I'll taste the soup," the waiter agreed, wearily. "Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a month for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to students isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they met to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, walked using crutches, and had various bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory he described his mission. "Well brothers, y'all know we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I be-gan t'read t'him from God's ho-ly word! But that bear wanted nothin' t'do with me. So I took hold of him and we a-started t'wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, up another and down another 'til we a-come to a crick. So I quick dunked him down and bap-tized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he become gen-tle as a lamb. We spent the next few days in fella'ship, feastin' on God's Holy Word, and a-praisin' Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed, in a body cast in traction and with IV lines and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."