Purim Torah is a term used to describe humorous and satirical writings customarily read on the Jewish holiday of Purim. Purim Torah can be simple or elaborate, and require no qualifications to write, other than a good sense of humor.
Purim Torah authors, often displaying an amazing grasp of Jewish knowledge, playfully use some of the far-fetched methods of Talmudic logic and biblical exegesis in order to reach absurd conclusions. Ashkenazi culture has a variation of the Purim Torah that is acted out, often with elaborate costumes and is referred to as a Purim Shpiel, from the Yiddish for "play."
—From Wikipedia
In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 B.C. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not wherein to put it all. And God said, "Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too deep." And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
And God said, "Let there be water; and let the dry land appear"; and that was that. And God called the dry land "Real Estate"; and the water called he the "Sea." And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he "Resources"; and he made them Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land, called he "Resources"; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called Wednesday.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like." And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not."
And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, "Let each species compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law." And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.
And God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy." And God added, "Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or otherwise." So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.
And God said, "Behold I have given you every herb-bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf."
And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and God said, "It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years." And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, "Thank me it's Friday." And God made the weekend.
© 1995 Internet Infidels. Extract of full text.
Marvin V. Zelkowitz. Department of Computer Science
and Institute for Advanced
Computer Studies
University of Maryland College Park
While Disney World does maintain daily minyanim throughout the park, many poskim have declared it forbidden to pray with them.
They proclaim that mice cannot serve as shlichei tzibbur, and it is well known that this practice is common at Disney synagogues. However, the chancellor of Disney World has ruled that mice are acceptable as agents, as long as they have taken upon themselves the obligations of daily tfilah. Mishlei states that there are no atheists in mouseholes.
Furthermore, on Shabbat, dwarves receive all seven aliyot. Dwarves reading from the Torah damages k'vod hatzibbur, even if all of the women are asleep (or rather, even if they appear to be dead, after swallowing a restrictive psak).
(Incidentally, Sleepy maintains that he is a kohen, based on family tradition passed from father to son since the days of Aharon. Other dwarves recall that Sleepy is a descendant of Honi M'agel, and hence cannot be a kohen—but this is circular reasoning.)
However, even those who permit aliyot for dwarves forbid them to serve as shlichei tzibbur. Apparently, dwarves are incapable of reciting the prayers properly, as they always whistle through their avodah—even Grumpy! Someone who hears this whistling and responds "Amen" is not yotze.
Disney synagogues also count mermaids in a minyan, in an obvious end-run around the age-old regulations to keep women barefoot. Since mermaids have no feet, they (technically) cannot stand for the Amidah, even though they remain shoeless. Yesh raglayim ladavar.
Heaping scandal upon scandal, mermaids, crickets, mice and ducks all sit on the same side of the mechitzah with wooden boys—clearly violating the prohibition against kilayim.
Sometimes after a tough day working the crowds through a steamy Florida afternoon, many of the regulars prefer to daven at home over a stiff drink. To ensure a minyan for Minchah, the Disney rabbis even count singing tableware and kitchen implements. Although this pushes the halakhic envelope, each piece can cite a klal whereby it must be included in the minyan:
The spoon counsels us "dan chaf b'zchut"
[judge a spoon with merit].
The knife cites "sakin b'adam shelo b'fanav"
[a knife (serves) in (stead of) a person when (a person is) not present].
The candlesticks remind us that "ner mitzvah, v'Torah or"
[a candle (can do any) mitzvah, but the Torah is only leather].
The goblet intones "kos yayin malei k'virkat Adoshem"
[a full cup of wine is equivalent to blessing Hashem].
The frying pan sings "lakel yeratzu k'minchah al machavat"
[to Hashem it is as pleasing as Minchah davened by a pan].
The teacup refrains "sefel tov l'chol oseihem"
[a cup is as good as anyone (who) does (it for) them].
The wine bottle chides "al tistakel b'kankan, elah b'ma sheyesh bo"
[don't look at the bottle, rather see what's inside it].
The clock chimes in "tfilah mitzvah shehazman grama"
[prayer is a mitzvah that time begins].
Several others declare "va'ani tefilati"
[I am my prayer].
Still others quote R' Hillel: "b'makom she'ayn anashim hishtadel lihiyiot ish"
[In a place where there aren't (enough) men, strive to be a man].
Several of the most stringent authorities complain that Disney World is open on Shabbat, so all Disney characters who are union members are prohibited from serving in public synagogue roles because they are mechalelei Shabbat b'fantasia. Lenient sources justify their work as melacha she'einah tzricha l'Goofy. R' Bambi says "hakol kasher l'tzvi" [anything to make a buck].
This Purim Torah is codified in the sefer Iyunei Achbarim v'Anashim [Of Mice and Men] of R' Don Yitzchak Abarvazel. R' Abarvazel was an ancestor of the Katchke Rebbe. To properly grasp the full depth of his insights, one must be at least 40 years old and have raised children—and even then, it is advantageous to first fulfill the mitzvah of ad lo yada yada yada.
M-I-C (See you in costume.)
K-E-Y (Why? Because it's Purim!)
M-O-U-S-E
—from the diary of Michoel b. Velvel of Anaheim
© 2000 Rick Dinitz, the Web
interpretive commentary by S. Rayburn