Shavuot Humor

It's a Bargain!

There is a well known Midrash about how God offered the Law to a number of nations, which all refused it, before He offered it to the Jews. What isn't known very well is the inside story.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

"What's a commandment?" they asked.

"Well, one of them goes, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,'" replied God.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, "What's a commandment?"

"Well," said God, "one says, 'Thou shalt not steal.'"

The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, "How much?"

God said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take ten."

The Ten Commandments Sermon

Abe and Sadie made a rare appearance in synagogue. It’s probably true to say that they are not the most religious of Jews. In fact, they only go to shul two or three times every year—and this Shavuot happened to be one of those days. At the end of the service, Abe shook Rabbi Rosen’s hand.

"Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service today, Rabbi, especially your sermon on keeping the commandments."

Rabbi Rosen replied, "It’s nice of you to say so, Abe; so why don’t you and Sadie come here more often?"

"It’s difficult," he replied, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's really good to hear," said Rabbi Rosen.

"Yes," said Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps 6 of them and I keep the other 4."

The Ten Commandments Redux

With Shavuot arriving soon, the Hebrew school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the fifth commandment, '"Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A Very Proper Shavuot Luncheon

The Morgensterns, a Jewish couple who lived in England, won 20 million pounds in the National Lottery and resolved to live luxuriously on the proceeds. They bought a mansion in Southall and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They even decided to engage a butler.

After a thorough search, they found the perfect butler—very proper and very British. Soon after they engaged him, they told him that the following day was a holiday where the custom was to eat a dairy meal, and that they had invited the Cohens to join them for a dairy luncheon. They asked him to set the dining room for four. The following morning the couple left the house to go to Shavuot services. When they returned home, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why he had set for eight when they had specifically instructed him to set for four.

Replied the butler, "Sir and Madam, the Cohens rang soon after you left and asked that I inform you that they would be bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

Oy, Just Think of the Shavuot Celebrations!

Late one night, many years ago in a tiny shteitel shul, the rebbe was sitting alone and bemoaning the fate of the Jewish people: the young people were not keeping the traditions, there was increasing intermarriage, it looked to him like the Jewish people would soon be extinct.

All of a sudden the Baal Shem Tov appeared to him.

"Do not be concerned about our people, my son; the future of our people is secure—I will show you this."

With that, the B"ST whisked the rebbe through time and space to modern-day Brooklyn Heights. Walking down the streets on a crisp December night, the rebbe marveled at the holiday lights, the Chanukkiot displayed everywhere, the giant dreidles on almost every corner, and the decorations in each and every household's windows.

Finally the rebbe sighed and said, "Ah, I am indeed comforted by such sights. Oy, if they do such things for Chanukah, I can only imagine all the things they must do for Shavuot!"

Ancestry

A story is told about Rabbi Stephen S. Wise that while attending a public dinner, he was seated next to a prominent woman. Apparently attempting to impress the rabbi, the woman mentioned that one of her ancestors was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Rabbi Wise was said to have quickly responded, "My ancestors witnessed the giving of the Ten Commandments."

That's it. Hey, Shavuot really doesn't lend itself to a lot of humor, I guess.