Technology to the Rescue

On the afternoon before Kol Nidre, Sidney telephoned his rabbi.

“Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Red Sox are in the playoffs. Rabbi, I’m a life-long Sox fan. I’ve got to watch the Sox game on TV.”

“Sidney, that’s what VCRs are for.”

“Wow—thanks! You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?”

The Sin of Golf Addiction

Reb Itzchak, a pious Jew and a golf addict, awoke early one crisp, cool morning. It was a perfect day for a round of golf but it also happened to be Yom Kippur. After a great struggle with his conscience, he decided that he could squeeze in just a few quick holes before going to services. He lived close to the course and he got there soon after it opened. Taking his clubs out of his locker, he headed for the first tee.

Moses happened to be looking down from heaven and saw Itzchak on the golf course. Disturbed, he reported it to God, suggesting that God teach him a lesson that he would never forget. God agreed.

Itzchak played the first hole and shot a birdie; on the second hole he shot an eagle, and then on the third hole, the toughest par four on the course, he got a hole-in-one! Moses turned to God and asked, “I thought you were going to teach Reb Itzchak a lesson. This is a lesson?”

God replied, “Think about it—now who can he tell?”

Have No Fear, You’re Not Lost

Meyer and Judith, an elderly Jewish couple, were traveling together to the Far East. Suddenly, over the aircraft’s speaker system, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have developed a problem, and we need to put this plane down in a few minutes’ time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted—I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will have to stay on the island for a long time before any rescue comes, if ever.”

Meyer turns to Judith, “Judith, dear, did we turn off the oven?”

“Of course.”

“Are our life insurance policies paid up?”

“Of course.”

“Did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre appeal?”

“Oh my God, I forgot to send off the check.”

“Thank Heavens! They’ll find us for sure!!”

Memory Lapse

Just before Sukkot services began, Moshe went to see his rabbi. “Rabbi, I feel bad because I didn’t fulfill a mitzvah—last week I missed saying grace after a meal.”

“What happened to make you forget?” asked the rabbi.

“And I also didn’t wash my hands before the meal.”

“That’s twice you’ve broken the law, but you still haven’t told me why.”

“I didn’t because the food wasn’t kosher, but now I regret not saying grace.”

“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the rabbi.

“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”

“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”

“What, on Yom Kippur?”

Finance Lesson

Little Benjy was listening to the TV and some commentators were talking about how the Wall Street financeers were going to handle their stock market problems in their Yom Kippur prayers, and were speculating on just what the dealers would repent about.

Benjy went to his father and asked, “Dad, what is the stock market?”

“Benjy, you’re too young to understand. Later.”

“I am not that young; I want to know now.”

“Please, wait a few years; then you will understand better.”

“Dad, I don’t want to start life poor, like you did, selling second-hand furniture. That’s why I want to know now.”

“All right, already. It’s like this. You buy two chickens and the two chickens lay eggs. So, next year, you have thirty chickens. These thirty chickens then all lay eggs and these eggs turn into chickens. So you end up having thousands of chickens and you’re well off. You see, this is the stock market. You understand so far, Benjy?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“And then, one day the sky opens up and it rains. It rains like in the days of Noah. The floods come and they wash away all the chickens until they drown and you then have only two or three chickens left. You see, this is the stock market—you should have bought ducks.”

More Details on the Market

If the above description of how the stock market works isn't clear, here's a step-by-step analysis. A man and his helper appeared in a remote jungle village and announced to the villagers that he would buy parrots for $10 each.

The villagers immediately went into the jungle to collect parrots.

The man bought hundreds at $10 and the supply of parrots started to decrease and the villagers stopped their efforts.

He then announced that he would now buy parrots at $20 and the efforts of the villagers in catching parrots redoubled. Soon the supply dropped even further and people started going back to their everyday activities.

He now increased his offer to $25 each but the supply of parrots had became so small that one couldn't see any parrots, let alone catch one! With this the man now announced that he would buy parrots at $50! But he had to go to the city to get more money; meanwhie his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was gone, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these parrots that you've collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers collected all their savings and bought all the parrots. But they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only parrots galore!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

No Fringe Benefits

After Rosh Hashanah was over, there was time before Yom Kippur for Isaac to have his tallit cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner he used.

Max said, "I always take my tallit to Moishe the dry cleaner on West 4th. He only charges $4.00."

So Isaac went down to Moishe's and found that the ownership had changed. He asked the new owner, Mr. Christopher, if he was keeping the old prices. Mr. Christopher assured him that he did.

Three days later, Isaac went to get his tallit and is presented with a bill for $24.00. He was furious.

"I thought you said you were keeping Moishe's prices?"

"I did," said Mr. Christopher, "$4.00 for the cleaning, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"

From the New York Times

The season of the Jewish holidays reminded Louise Young of a visit to Zabar’s on Yom Kippur several years ago. At 2 pm the place was, she said, “a madhouse” of carts and baskets filled to overflowing with special holiday treats. As she approached the cashier, she spoke to the woman in line in front of her.

Ms. Young: “Gosh, I thought Zabar’s wouldn’t be so crowded at this time because of the Jewish holiday.”

Woman: “Me, too. I thought Jewish people were supposed to be praying in temple until sundown.”

Nearby third woman pushing heavily laden cart: “It’s sundown in Jerusalem already.”

—“Metropolitan Diary,” New York Times, October 22, 1997.

A Day Like Purim

The Kelemer maggid asked: "Why is the Day of Atonement called in Hebrew yom ha-kipurim (a day like Purim)?

And he gave this answer: "The similarity between the two days is based on the fact that on both days it is customary to masquerade. On Purim Jews masquerade and don the costumes of non-Jews. On the Day of Atonement, they masquerade as pious Jews."

—Philip Goodman, "Hasidic Tales and Teachings," The Yom Kippur Anthology, (JPS, 1992)